“Honor your father and mother, as the LORD your God commanded you. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the LORD your God is giving you.”
- Deuteronomy 5:16
One of the most painful truth’s I have ever come to terms with is what I want, is not necessarily what God has planned for me. That realization is as painful as it is profound. I wanted to be a mother. I wanted a child who looked like my husband and I. I wanted the child to bond us in love and I wanted the chance to explore the world with this miracle being that came from my womb. Someone who would love me unconditionally, but most importantly who I could give all of this love I have in my heart to share.
As I shared in previous posts I am barren, and barren for me means ALONE. Today, on Mother’s Day, this pain cuts a little deeper. Let me explain…
I feel two ways about it…
1. extremely justified in my feelings. I am trying to give myself permission to grieve the things I lost due to cancer and hysterectomy BUT when does my grieving make me
I am alive, others died. I have my mother, others do not. My grandmother is 85 and healthy, others do not have grandmothers. It is Mother’s Day and I have had the most amazing examples of mothers, which is why I thought I would make a good mom.
My mom has been constantly available for my siblings, the community, and I. She truly understood what it took to be not just a mother but a parent. She nurtured and guided us with love and support. She intentionally taught us, held us accountable, and inspired. She made sure we understood how to be philanthropists, fair, educated, giving, and proud. She is a pillar in the community. A God-Sent! She is loved by everyone who meets her because she truly lives everyday purposely making the world better.
I wanted to be like her as a mother, but better. I wanted to be the teacher to my child that she is to me but I wanted to add in traveling the world, affection, and a father. All of the things she could not provide. I wanted to make her a grandmother. I always imagined her being close to my child like I was with my grandparents.
These are the things that I struggle with the most as it pertains to my infertility.
I spent the last few days with my best friend and three of my 6 AMAZING God children. They really helped to change my perspective on what Mother’s Day can mean for me moving forward. It can be a day that I remember to be grateful for my own mother but to also honor the blessing of being chosen to be a god mother. God mother’s do not get a lot of credit but we serve an important role in the children’s life, and in my case, they serve a VITAL part in mine.
A godmother is the woman chosen to raise the children in the event of the untimely departure of one or both parents. A God mother’s role is to teach, guide, protect, and provide for the children by being present and available for them. My most important responsibility is to show them God through me. My godchildren have saved my life because despite what I have been through they give me hope.
Jacob: (14 years old) “Godson,” is the leader and preacher of the crew. Jacob is the first of my godchildren and he taught me what it meant to be a Godmother. He has consciously and unconsciously held me accountable for being present and available for him (and Cynai) but also for God. Jacob was sent to me by God to make me accountable for my salvation and relationship with God.
Chace: (13.5 years old) Chace is the godchild I always knew I was going to have. He is the first born of my best friend. He is SO chill. He was the easiest, kindest, and most adorable kid. Everyone who meets Chace loves him. He LOVES music and video games. When he was little we called him the ‘king of fun’ because he could spend hours playing without even stopping for food. He has grown up so quickly. Chace came along to teach me about the importance of growth and how if you have the courage to trust God - he will give you better.
Cynai: (12 years old) “Mookas” is the kind heart of the bunch. She is so sweet and helpful. She is beautiful inside and out. She has an anointed singing voice. Cynai was sent to teach me about balance. To make time for family, friends, and God. She also (unconsciously) encouraged me to repair my relationship with. my father because before her father’s passing, she was the ultimate Daddy’s girl.
Braylynn: (8 years old) “BrayBray” is the most loving and affectionate of all of my Godchildren. She is so smart, beautiful, and creative. She always plans things for us to do like watch movies, play games, or eat at restaurants. I pray more than anythings that Bray is always as confident and and amazing as she is now. Bray was sent to me to remind me that I am not alone.
Nova: (8 months old) “Novieee” is the rainbow of the crew. She was born at the perfect time. Her brother MJ had gone to heaven and so did her Papa (Mr. Terry). It was a sad time for her parents and I but she came and is SO happy. She is truly a rainbow after a storm. She is always smiling and loves everyone she meets. Nova was sent to remind me that God is still performing miracles.
Cannon: (3 months old) Cannon was born 9 months after my hysterectomy so he, in many ways, is always going to be a reminder of God’s love. Watching him grow is spiritual reminder that time is passing, I am still here, God is still good. He is absolutely gorgeous and when he looks at you, you know he’s thinking. He smiles on cue and loves to cuddle. Cannon was sent to remind me that you can always start over, there is always hope, and that everything God does is perfect.
As I reflect on my Godchildren and what it means to be a Mommy, God continues to show me that he has given me everything he promised and when I stop allowing myself to accept this spirit of disappointment and allow God’s will to be done, I can also make the choice to just be grateful, blessed, and happy. So to my own mom, my grandmothers, my friends, my God children’s mothers, and to my God children … “I am everything I am because you loved me.” -Celine Dion