Hello Fear

“When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.”

~Alicia Keys

Why am I always so SCARED? I am in Atlanta and have been for a few weeks. Every night that I am here and have to sleep alone in this apartment I am petrified. I keep checking the door, jumping at everything, keeping the lights on, assuming someone is going to come in and attack me. WHERE DID THIS COME FROM? (I could possibly figure this out but I will have to speak to my therapist and write another post about it). Either way … it needs to STOP.

Being afraid is a WASTE OF TIME. Being afraid robs you of freedom and learning.

I had a profound moment with my friends during this trip and the question was posed. What are you afraid of?

My Answer: Being alone. (see previous post)

My immediate fears (the boogie man, someone breaking in, someone peeking in the window) are connected to my deeper fear …. which is being alone. That is why this trip to Atlanta was so important … because it helped me to see myself, spend time alone, and to take my self away from what is familiar and comfortable (well kinda - Atlanta is my second home). I reflected on my fears and can remember SEVERAL events that may have influenced my fears. One of them was living in this CREEPY apartment in Virginia when my roommate moved away for a semester. It had mice and my neighbors didn’t have a front door - THAT IS HOW YOU KNOW THEY WERE CRAZY!! I didn’t realize just how scared that made me until I started trying to get to the bottom of my obsession with checking locked doors and windows before bed.

Every night that my friends came over I didn’t want them to leave. Sometimes I feel like the only time I am happy is when I am with other people, especially my friends. But how much is too much? Is it normal to only be happy when you’re with people or am I just a people person? Why am I afraid when I am alone? Why am I so afraid TO BE alone? This theme of loneliness has to be addressed.

Being away for the last few weeks did, however, give me an amazing opportunity to take a break from doctors appointments and remind myself what it feels like to live. I feel refreshed and excited to share all of the things I have been working on and I owe so much credit to my friends for encouraging me to see myself from the inside and not hyper focus on the things I do not like about myself on the outside.

They said I constantly put myself down and bring attention to things that are “wrong with me.” My insecurities are deep. I had not realized just how self conscious I had become. I have gained a lot of weight, I am STILL bald, and I spend so much time alone that I don’t bother to get dressed up anymore therefore when I do “try” I feel like I’m putting lipstick on a pig. I have to commit to be kinder to myself. God loves me as I am and clearly other people do too so why is it so difficult to just love ourselves?

As you can see … I have a million things going on in my head at once… I am LEARNING. #AdultingIsHARD